Here I am again. It’s been a while. It’s the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and I am relaxing at home watching “Miracle on 34th St.” (the 1994 version). I’ve been pretty exhausted lately. As I mentioned, I started teaching at a new studio and between working at the two studios, helping with the family business and taking care of Cyrus I have really worn myself to the bone.
I have big goals. One of those goals is to open my own fitness facility. I really saw teaching at this new studio as an opportunity to see the inner workings of a large gym, get experience with another style in another environment and get discounts on my training and on my gym membership. I saw it as a step toward my goal of opening my own facility. Now, I have become disenchanted. It started with my first paycheck. After spending a week away from home in training and trying to wrangle my schedule to accommodate a plethora of meetings and classes I only got a measly $40. I’m not really doing this for the money, but seriously, that doesn’t even cover the cost of gas I used commuting to the club.
So now I am faced with a decision. Continue on with this job, busting my buns to try to make my schedule work and keep everything straight or look unreliable by quitting after 2 months. I am so conflicted on this one. I keep thinking that if I hang on for a while, I might like the job better and see an increase in pay. While it is true that I have learned a lot, I feel that some of it is esoteric and/or comes at too high of a price both time and money-wise. After all, Cyrus is only so small for such a short period of time, and while I don’t want to give up my dreams, I don’t want to miss his milestones either.
One thing about me is that I have a hard time making decisions, especially ones that are seemingly life changing and irreversible. I am so terrified to make the wrong move that I wish someone could tell me what I should do. To make matters worse, I am in a chronic state of sleep deprivation, which makes decision-making almost impossible. I can’t even think of all the pros and cons of each choice, which I guess is why I am writing this all down: to see if it will be more clear.
I think I know what I need to do. I think I need to quit. But, there is one other option that is calling to me– leaving the family business. If I do that, I will have more time, I will avoid doing the accounting and stuff that I really hate, I also think it will prevent a lot of tension between me and my husband. BUT, If I do that, I won’t be able to say that I am contributing monetarily to our company and to our family, I will have to leave what I worked so hard to build into a strong company. The reality is, though, that Cyrus needs more supervision and stimulation than I can offer when I am working from home so I will either need to get a full time baby sitter or stop.
Here’s another thought…. What if I quit both. What if I quit the new job and my family business and just focus on teaching at the one studio, raising my son and developing my own business plan.
My husband is away and I finally have one day, Thanksgiving Day, when I don’t have to work. And, since my family is doing Thanksgiving the day after, I don’t really have obligations. I was hoping to use this time to really think and evaluate my situation, but just thinking about it makes me tired. I have found many ways to procrastinate making a decision and I was really hoping that this blog entry would help me figure it out, but so far I still have nada. Oh well, maybe you can leave a comment and help out?
Now, on to holidays. Now that I have Cyrus, I really want to make holidays special and happy times for him. This Thanksgiving feels like a disappointment. First, because my husband chose this Thanksgiving to go back to his home country and second because my family chose NOT to do Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving day. Watching this movie, Miracle on 34th St., reminds me of all the things that the holiday season means to me. The warmth, the closeness, the cozy nights spent at home, the excitement of gift shopping and giving. I hope Cyrus will have these warm memories too. In any case, I have a lot to be thankful for so…